It must be the season for unexpected pregnancies. First little Bristol Palin let a cartoon redneck knock her up, and now this - something far far worse.

David Spade has become a father. Accidentally. According to reports, David Spade had a brief relationship with a Playboy Playmate called Jillian Grace not so long ago and he accidentally got a baby wedged up there or something and now it’s fallen out of her. We’re not sure how the whole pregnancy thing works, to be honest.

Why’s that worse than Bristol Palin’s pregnancy? Simple - Bristol Palin can look the world in the eye and tell everyone that the father of her child is a rugged, athletic 18-year-old brute at the peak of his sexual condition. But Jillian Grace? Every time she looks at her new baby it’s just going to be a tragic reminder that she let David Spade stick it up her a couple of times once, the poor woman.

Aside being the hilariously effeminate one from, oh who are we kidding, from everything he’s ever starred in, David Spade has been a peripheral member of the Charlie Sheen/Denise Richards divorce clusterfuck for quite some time.

In fact, it’s probably fair to say that until recently David Spade was best known for being the man who Heather Locklear got together with after her divorced husband Richie Sambora ran off with her best friend Denise Richards after she got divorced from Charlie Sheen, but before Heather Locklear went a bit mental and allegedly tried to kill herself. Clear?

Good. Not that it matters now, because now David Spade is most famous for accidentally knocking up a woman spectacularly out of his league and then begrudgingly accepting parental responsibilities once it was born. The New York Daily News reports:

The “Rules of Engagement” star is the father of a girl born to Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace last week, his rep has confirmed… The 45-year-old announced in January that he had a “brief relationship” with Grace, Playboy’s Miss March 2005. “If it is true that I am the father of her child, then I will accept responsibility.”

It’s so sweet, we think we might cry. All children should remember the day that their father reluctantly gave a conditional acceptance of responsibility statement that implied that the kid might not be his because its mother always seemed like a bit of a whore. We know we do!

There aren’t any details of the David Spade baby - no name, no gender no location. However, it shouldn’t be too hard to track the kid down, because Jillian Grace looks quite a lot like David Spade - which, by the way, is quite creepy in itself - so we’re the guessing the baby is all blonde and underdeveloped and whatnot. There can’t be too many of those around, can there?

David Spade hasn’t seen his baby yet, but he hopes to when there’s a gap in his sitcom schedule. Which might sound callous of him, but don’t forget that this is David Spade we’re talking about - most of his sitcoms only last for a handful of episodes anyway, so he’ll probably get to visit before the week is out.

Think carefully - what’s the most extreme reaction you’ve ever had towards Matthew McConaughey? A yawn? A twitch? An imperceptible shrug?

Not if you’re a surfer. Surfers see Matthew McConaughey as their hero, their dim mahogany idol. And if you mess with Matthew McConaughey you mess with the entire surfer community, as a group of paparazzi found out in June when the surfers rounded on them for taking pictures of McConaughey and shoved them around a bit.

Now two surfers have been charged for the McConaughey paparazzi flare-up. But that’s not important. What’s important are the names of the people involved in the scuffle, because they’re so stupid it’s impossible not to find the whole thing hilarious. Spoiler alert - one of them’s called Skylar.

There’s been a long history of tribal conflicts on beaches - Vikings Vs Saxons, Mods Vs Rockers, Nazis Vs Non-Nazis, whoever it was in the last scene of The Warriors - but none have been quite as upsetting as the Surfers Vs Paparazzi Malibu beach clash of June 2008.

It was an epic battle the likes of which Malibu residents haven’t seen since someone gave Mel Gibson a bottle of tequila and a photo of Woody Allen two years ago. It was the sort of day that witnesses will one eventually tell their children about - the day that some photographers strolled onto a beach and started talking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, and only stopped when some surfers sort of started effetely pushing them around and whooping and whatnot.

Worst of all were the harrowing, primal exchanges between the surfers and the paparazzi, which will chill our very souls until the day we die. Exchanges like:

Surfer: “Get a job!”

Paparazzo: “This is a job, what do you do?”

Surfer: “I fucking drink beer and party! Woohoohoohoo!”

Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that two surfers have been charged with this incident, getting hit with one misdemenour count of battery each. One of the surfers is called Philip John Hildebrand, which is fine, but the other one is called Skylar Martin Peak. Skylar, for christ’s sake. No wonder he’s so angry.

And don’t think we’re letting the paparazzi off either. The photographer who Skylar and Skylar’s friend attacked was called Richid Altmbareckouhammou, which is less of a name and more of the noise you make when you’re tickling an adorable puppy’s tum-tum. Reuters reports:

Officials claim the two men threw Altmbareckouhammou into the water from where he was taking pictures on the beach. Each faces up to six months in jail and a $2,000 fine.

We’re sure Skylar and Skylar’s friend feel pretty crap about the possibility of spending six months in jail. Worse still - it’s six months in jail for protecting Matthew McConaughey.

Seriously, if Skylar and Skylar’s friend do get sent down for this, they may as well just wear T-shirts reading ‘Please Bum me To Smithereens’ to save them the effort of explaining what they’re in for to their cellmates.

Now that she’s officially the world’s most prematurely randy underage teenager, Bristol Palin must feel like she hasn’t got a friend in the world.

But it’s OK, because there’s one girl thousands of miles away who knows exactly what Bristol Palin’s going through, and that’s former pregnant teenager Jamie Lynn Spears. According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears was so moved by the story of how Sarah Palin’s daughter had loads of underage unprotected sex with a redneck hockey player until she ended up getting accidentally pregnant that she’s sent her a gift.

And, who knows, Jamie Lynn Spears might even end up making the trip to Alaska to teach Bristol Palin all about the joys of becoming a young mother. Or at least she would if only her little brat would stop screaming and crying and begging for attention and stealing the best years of her life away from her all the time. But otherwise, yeah.

It’s been quite a week for Sarah Palin so far, hasn’t it? When it started she was just basically your average gun-loving smalltown mother from Alaska, a sort of cross between a sexy librarian and Cruella De Vil. Now, though, Sarah Palin is one of the most famous women in the world.

That’s not because she’s the newly-named Republican vice presidential candidate, by the way. It’s because she’s the newly-named Republican vice presidential candidate and her teenage daughter’s a total slut who couldn’t keep it in her pants long enough to not get pregnant.

Sarah Palin’s big enough to cope with all the intrusion that her pregnant daughter has caused - she’s already fended off accusations from political heavyweights like Diddy, plus she’s from Alaska so she could probably stick an axe through a killer whale’s face without flinching if she needed to - but her pregnant daughter Bristol probably doesn’t know what’s hit her.

It must be terrible for her - young, pregnant at a socially unacceptable age, stupid name, brought up in a moronically strict household under the eyes of a vengeful God with a slightly unsuitable boyfriend and a much more famous relative who sort of acts a bit clueless in public… wait a minute, that sounds like little Jamie Lynn Spears.

Jamie Lynn Spears, you’ll remember, was basically the beta version of Bristol Palin. She got pregnant at 16 - even though her mother thought she was some sort of parenting expert - and had to deal with the ensuing public outcry before finally having the baby and emerging as a hero for sexually active yet clumsy rednecks everywhere.

And Jamie Lynn Spears has noticed the similarity between her and Bristol Palin too, which is why she’s sent her a little gift. The New York Daily News reports:

“Dear Bristol: Hang in there!!!!! XXOO,” the supportive card from the “Zoey 101″ star read, underscoring the challenges she too has faced. Packaged in a mini pink suitcase, the $60 set of five coordinating burp cloths from Plain Mary are embroidered with “Babe,” “Loved,” “Yummy,” “Fresh,” and a skull & bones image.

That’s sweet, although 17-year-old mother Jamie Lynn Spears sending pregnant 17-year-old Bristol Palin a burp cloth with ‘Yummy’ written across it doesn’t show much thought. Perhaps she should have ordered a bespoke set with ‘Political Pawn’, ‘I Heart The Death Penalty’ or ‘Hey, I Look Like Karl Rove’ embroidered into them instead.

Or she could have been a teensy bit more honest and sent her a big bottle of gin, some sleeping pills and the words ‘Here, you need these more than me now’ scrawled on a baby puke-covered Post-It. Because, let’s face it, that’s probably what she’s thinking.

Look, we’re almost certainly not going to pay to see Bangkok Dangerous at the cinema. And what’s more, we really don’t care about it enough to do any research on it at all. So here’s what we know about Bangkok Dangerous, just from watching the trailer.

PLOT - Bangkok Dangerous is a remake of Leaving Las Vegas where, rather than drinking himself to death, Nicolas Cage goes to Thailand determined to say the words “holiday” and “banking” to the locals in such a patronisingly oversimplistic way that they get offended and shoot him.

CHARACTERS - Nicolas Cage. Just Nicolas Cage. Playing Nicolas Cage. Other characters might appear from time to time, but only so that Nicolas Cage can either a) punch them, kick them, explode them, riddle them with machinegun fire or make them go “Ugh!” in a bathroom really quickly, or b) tenderly touch their hands if they’re a woman.

THEME - Nicolas Cage’s four rules - ‘don’t ask questions’, ‘there is no right and wrong’, ‘don’t take an interest in people outside of work’ and ‘know when to get out’ - seem to be the theme of Bangkok Dangerous. However, he actually has five rules - the final one is ‘Always wipe your bum from front to back so you don’t end up with shitty balls’. Oh, and another theme is unquestionably crap hair - but that’s a motif that runs through Nicolas Cage’s entire canon.

If you don’t have at least a couple of hours to spare - never bring up the topic of earthquakes around Kelly Osbourne’s boyfriend.

If you do, he’ll likely tell you all about how they are a sudden release of energy from deep within the earth, and how they’re caused by plate tectonics. Then, if your experience is anything like ours, the topic of plate tectonics will send him on a Pangea tangent, and he’ll tell you about how the continents are all drifting back together at incredibly slow speeds, and they’re all gonna collide one day causing brand new mountain ranges to pop up all along former coast lines. Oh, also he’ll say something about praying you’re not alive when that time comes.

He even used a laser pointer and a colour-coded slide show. A real pill, we tell ya.

One writer didn’t know earthquakes were the secret passion of Kelly Osbourne’s newest flame. We’re not sure what boyfriend’s name is, and we really can’t be bothered to check. Let’s just call him Big Gay Bruce. Anyway - one author recently said something about Big Gay Bruce not knowing how an earthquake happens.

This, apparently, led to a slap-happy assault on the author by Osbourne herself - with hands flying everywhere! Except not in the plural!

Imagine for a second what it would be like to have Kelly Osbourne’s beefy little hands touch your face. We think such an encounter would leave you smeared in potato chip grease, and we dearly hope it never happen to us. Our border-line complexion simply couldn’t take it.

Zoe Griffin, a writer for The Mirror, is probably still wiping the shiny palm print from her red swollen cheek. She was Osbourne-slapped because she’d written something or other about Kelly’s current boyfriend being confused on the creation of earthquakes. We’ll let her tell Griffin own story:

“…That’s when she spotted me, plonked herself right next to me on a sofa, so close I had to lean away. She began ear-bashing me about two lines in my column when I wrote her model boyfriend [Big Gay Bruce] had to ask friends how an earthquake was caused. It was at that point Kelly shouted loudly in my ear: “I have an issue with you. My boyfriend knows what an earthquake is and everyone has been laughing at him and he’s upset.

“…That’s when I felt a hard slap to my right cheekbone. I put my hand to my face while my friends looked on aghast. I was in a state of shock. Not for long, though. Soon Kelly came rampaging back over with a female friend jabbing a finger in the air, telling me that I’d have to watch my back if I shared my story with readers of this column.”

Watch her back, no doubt, because if she didn’t Ozzy would swoop down from a belfry to eat her throat - and what a drag that would be. Plus, if he got caught eating some woman’s bloody neck he’d totally go to prison - and then what would happen to all the goths whose musical taste has never advanced out of the seventies? They’d all have to go back to Jethro Tull - which would be really good for all the crap we’re trying to sell on eBay.

We’ve got six copies of ‘Thick As A Brick’ in mint condition and available at rock bottom prices. Cheaper than anything the Osbourne’s were selling anyway.

Mention this article and we’ll throw in a can opener.